Friday 31 August 2007
Thursday 30 August 2007
Wednesday 29 August 2007
Joke: The consultant
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Joke: The consultant
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
Tuesday 28 August 2007
Now, that's ambition!
A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
Now, that's ambition!
A CEO (and member of Forbes 400!) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his opulent mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry alligators. The CEO says to his executives "I think an executive should be measured by courage. Courage is what made me CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone has enough courage to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that person anything they desire. My job, my money, my house, anything!"
Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Suddenly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CFO (Chief Financial Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the alligators left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a huge alligator snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CFO and says, "You are amazing. I've never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you."
The CFO, panting for breath, looks up and says, "You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!"
The glory of Confucius
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
The glory of Confucius
1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter is ------- nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
Great Britain
There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."
Great Britain
There was once an englishman and a scotsman who lived next door to each other. The englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the scotsman pick up the egg. The englishman ran up to the scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.The scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the englishman said "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following message: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The scotsman agreed to this and so the english man found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the scotsman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.The scotsman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the scotsman stood up and said "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The englishman said "Keep the !@#%#$@#$!@% egg."
What came first...
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.
The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"
What came first...
A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed.
The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"
Slut of the desert
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".
The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.
Slut of the desert
A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?".
The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."
The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.
The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use the camel to ride into town to find the women.
Value for money...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Value for money...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Monday 27 August 2007
Sunday 26 August 2007
Breed Selector
Not sure which type of dog is best for you?
The Breed Selector tool helps you find the breeds that best meet your needs and wants.
The Breed Selector tool helps you find the breeds that best meet your needs and wants.
Breed Selector
Not sure which type of dog is best for you?
The Breed Selector tool helps you find the breeds that best meet your needs and wants.
The Breed Selector tool helps you find the breeds that best meet your needs and wants.
Saturday 25 August 2007
Friday 24 August 2007
Thursday 23 August 2007
Wednesday 22 August 2007
Video: Monster the singing cat
Monster has a vocal cord condition that makes it sound like singing when he yawns.
Video: Monster the singing cat
Monster has a vocal cord condition that makes it sound like singing when he yawns.
Joke: Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Joke: Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Tuesday 21 August 2007
Monday 20 August 2007
Sunday 19 August 2007
Saturday 18 August 2007
Friday 17 August 2007
Thursday 16 August 2007
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