One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Wednesday, 6 August 2008
Joke: A day at the races
One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!
Lo and behold, that horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.
Before the following race, the Priest blessed yet another horse. Mitch made a beeline for the window, and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet a large amount of money on it, and it won!
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses.
Mitch bet every cent he had, including his life savings and the deed to his house. Mitch then watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded.
He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!"
The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants -- you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites!
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Joke: The giraffe
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
(via)
The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
(via)
Joke: The giraffe
A man goes into a bar with a giraffe, they both get a couple of rounds in. When they get up to leave they're extremely drunk and the giraffe passes out and falls over. The man opens the door, about to leave by himself, when the bartender stops him suddenly and says, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
(via)
The man turns around and slurs, "Don't be silly, that's not a lion, that's a giraffe!"
(via)
Thursday, 10 July 2008
Joke: Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
Joke: Fish Heads
A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $5 each," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Joke: Janitor Dog
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
Joke: Janitor Dog
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, “Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job.”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”
“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don't! If he finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!”
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Joke: Preacher's horse racing
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
Again, this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
Again, this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Joke: Preacher's horse racing
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
Again, this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
Again, this was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Friday, 13 June 2008
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Penguins
How do penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do penguins have for lunch?
Iceburgers.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
What kind of bird can write?
A penguin.
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
What's a penguin's favorite vegetable?
Iceberg lettuce.
Who is a penguin's favorite singer?
Seal.
Who is a penguin's favorite actor?
Sean Pennguin.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why are penguins so popular on the Internet?
Because they have Web feet.
Why do penguins sit on marshmallows?
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
On the rocks.
What do penguins have for lunch?
Iceburgers.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
What kind of bird can write?
A penguin.
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
What's a penguin's favorite vegetable?
Iceberg lettuce.
Who is a penguin's favorite singer?
Seal.
Who is a penguin's favorite actor?
Sean Pennguin.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why are penguins so popular on the Internet?
Because they have Web feet.
Why do penguins sit on marshmallows?
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Joke: Short Animal Jokes - Penguins
How do penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
What do penguins have for lunch?
Iceburgers.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
What kind of bird can write?
A penguin.
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
What's a penguin's favorite vegetable?
Iceberg lettuce.
Who is a penguin's favorite singer?
Seal.
Who is a penguin's favorite actor?
Sean Pennguin.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why are penguins so popular on the Internet?
Because they have Web feet.
Why do penguins sit on marshmallows?
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
On the rocks.
What do penguins have for lunch?
Iceburgers.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost.
What kind of bird can write?
A penguin.
What kind of fish do penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
What's a penguin's favorite vegetable?
Iceberg lettuce.
Who is a penguin's favorite singer?
Seal.
Who is a penguin's favorite actor?
Sean Pennguin.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why are penguins so popular on the Internet?
Because they have Web feet.
Why do penguins sit on marshmallows?
To keep from falling into the hot chocolate.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Monday, 19 May 2008
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Joke: The game warden
A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, whut?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
(via)
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, whut?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
(via)
Joke: The game warden
A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, whut?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
(via)
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, whut?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
(via)
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